| upon this open road, i walk in the shadows |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|01:34 am] |
mmm.i dont know what to think anymore really.heads been spinning in circles around the same thoughts of the same idea.all rooted to anger, angst, disappointment, telling offs. but only in imaginations that will never materialise. i dont want to materialise.
i wished/wish i can hold out.but im failing alr.its alright that things dont go our way all the time. just keep my head above the water. theres so much else to think bout. and yet its not enough to push other less important things out of m mind. its just adding to the heap alr there.
even though im going down.im not gonna go down sad, angry, bitter, angsty. imma go down smiling, happy, chilled. this is all i can do. as i wait this out. i have no where to put my face. so its all good. but my heads held high. just keep my head above the water.
as new problems come in and old onws remain unsolved.help me see things through clearer lenses, through the way you'd think and see them. just keep my head above the water.
and even now as the waves crash in and the storms grind away at me. i know the sun's bout to shine. just keep my head above the water.
they say after every storm is the sun
but after every sun comes a storm
which makes the sun so much more beloved
so now remains this question
which do we look forward to?
the sun after the storm?
or the storm that brings the new sun?
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| bewildered,but determined |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|07:26 am] |
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| |  crushed | ] |
guess wad?its 730 in the morning and i jus came back from a night out w the boys w/o sleeping and im still on the com. i know i know...i should be sleeping but i jus cant stop thinking bout certain things.ok...its not good.but before i get to that.there have been a few good things that have happened. firstly, i've once again started this relationship w Him. it feels good again. i'm taking it slow; one step at a time; not over-doing it so fast but rather setting my expectations logically and my actions likewise so i dont burn out. and i'm pretty excited bout wads to come. then theres the sudden realisation today in service that wad i'm doing now, though started on the right track, has simply turned into an issue of pride. its almost time to return kiddos. now its jus the build up to it. and yes, i still wanna go back. and of cos i need to clarify things w a certain some one so that person can understand wads really happening better.
~ ok.end of happy part and onto wads really been on my mind.honestly, everything i'm bout to write is raw and straight off wad i think and feel.it might not be good.so pls, if you dont wanna get down.stop. =) ~
i thought things were going on pretty well.until i saw the look.that 'i just want you out of my life look'. it troubled me till finally i got its meaning. and then i realised people actually knew bout it but didnt tell me. i really felt like such a fool. i hate one thing, secrets. now i really hate them. why wouldnt you just tell me that im headed e wrong way so i wont friggin' fall into the pit yo! i dunno...dont know how?time's not right?sure.i admire e courage some people have to tell people in the face wad they're doing wrong, even if i dont like wad im hearing. but this is all secondary to wads really happening.
i really dont know wad to think.theres really so much to take in right now. it didnt start cos of me. some know.most dont. but it came from my phone. i bear its responsibility. ashamed. angry. confused. bewildered. lost. hurt. thats the worst part of it. hurt. it hurts to hear it. it hurts to think bout it. and better yet, those i thought would have known me by now apparently dont. now that really just...it really just sucks. misunderstandings. we'd do so much better w/o them. they dont know wads really been going on, true. but they never bothered to ask. im just right in front of you, i spend time among you. just ask..i'll tell. someone asked me wad was happening in my life today and i told her wad was going on.of cos not to the minute details. it'll take too long. but come on, just making assumptions and then judging me for it?i seriously thought better. seriously.
but then again, it seems to be reciprocating among this 'team'. the one thing i fear; worry bout; am concerned over so many times is always wad this particular 'team' would think. 'oh, if i wear this wad would they think?' or 'if i do this, wad would they think?' or even 'if i took a picture like this wad would they think?' yes!its happened before. and even when i said the pictures dont portray the true story they wouldnt believe me. wad do i have to hide anymore?! nothing. i wanna live a transparent life cos i simply cant be bothered to live one full of secrets, lies, deceit and hurting people all the time. but why is it that the one group of people you should feel least judged by is the one group whom i feel judges me for every little thing i do?! i feel SO MUCH MORE WELCOME IN THE WORLD! im more stressed coming in than i am going out. why? but i dont understand them? i've been a part of the 'team' and i've seen wad really goes on in there. and this judgemental aspect of them has simply left such a strong impression, its the only thing i remember bout the 'team'. of cos, to qualify all this, not everyone in the 'team' judges. but it flows from one to the next. so wad now? cos you've been given authorty you can just simply place yourself higher than everyone else and look down on others and judge them based on some 'higher standard'? dont you have flaws too? its alright being taught or discipled, i'm cool w that. just not w the condescending, disgusted way you look at me or the avoidance or the obvious way you simply dont wanna talk to me so use someone else to get the msgs YOU should be telling me across to me. though i may put on a front that everythings alright and i dont care bout it or im all angry. it just hurts yo. it really hurts. these are the people placed over your life, who's thoughts you actually care bout..and they do this.disappointed?ive been disappointed so many times by so many people it doesnt even matter anymore, and all thats left is the pain and the scars.
oh and dont get me started on the way they patronise you.OH!ah!if you have a problem w me, come sort it out w me. stop acting like everythings alright and pretending you can sweep things under the carpet.ah!
but you know, i deserved this.honestly its the consequence of the actions i took in the past. i just dont get why it has to be so painful. im kinda tired of it all. i just wanna settle things and fly away. for a long long time. i've hurt too many people here. thats really why i wanna fly. maybe i'll hurt less people where im going. maybe. im sorry. but till then, im not giving up yet. i still care bout wad He thinks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2009|12:16 pm] |
so the day's finally arrived and i'm almost bout to fly off to Thailand for the final exercise in my cadet days. to be honest, after hearing all the stories of past batches, i'm not quite sure wad to expect from this exercise. some say it'll be really tough, others say just take t as it comes. but one common thing in all is that it wont be that smple now. i guess it's now putting everything we've learnt into practice and just doing rather than just simly knowing. all i know is that i just wanna complete this trip and complete it WELL at that. *got my fingers crossed and prayers up.
and of cos im looking forward to the end of ths exercise not just cos it means one of the greatest hurdles of my course is now over but it also means Plan C should already be initiated. maybe not in full swing but at least started.(and i know rainft's all excited bout this too) im a little nervous of wad to expect. especially her reaction. but guess we'll never know if we dont give it a shot. i'm not sure wads happening either but i'm just going to put my fears and insecurities aside and doing something bout it. *pray for me yea?hahaha.
well, on a more immaterial note, i guess lately i've realised i'm clueless bout my lfe now. like i have no idea wad i'm doing these days, wad i want, where m going or wad i wanna do bout all of it; bout people; bout my circumstances; bout situations. its almost like i'm just sitting down on a couch wacthing my life played out on a tele set. and all i'm doing is eating my snacks and taking it all in but feeling powerless bout anything thats going on in that tele programme. almost like wads being played is it, theres no way you can change that. like you cant shout at e tele halfway through a tragic scene and say "NO!iwant it like this and this and this" and the characters are going to change their course of action according to wad you say. sigh...man i gotta do something bout this couch. if im gonna watch at least i should sit somewhere comfortable.ha.okok...wad the crykies!i gotta snap outta this! alright...i need to do something bout wads happening.straighten things out inside and then out. yea im a lil messed up in here...deal wth it! first steps praying.so if ur reading this pls remind me to go pray. like really pray. yes this is me begging you to do so.
i received another one out of the pretty few messages i've been getting lately. actually, i've got no more fight left to bother bout it. im just tired. yup i get tired too. im just tired of wondering wad to do bout all this; bout constantly wondering if im doing the right thing; if im doing something that will bring across the wrong message; bout wondering how to make things better and get things back on track; bout wad to say; bout wad to do with you guys. hey..i want things to be better; to be better than how they used to be when we where all high. i want things to be chill and relaxed. but i dont know how to get to that state from where we are now. yes it takes small steps. but which ones? and how do i even take that step? i dont have all the answers to every situation. and im not angry at you guys or trying to avoid you guys, at least not anymore for a long time now. im just a lil lost and a lil inadequate. and i've realised that i tend to want time by myself quite a bit. its a lil weird dont you think? maybe its e way i've been handling things all my life. anyway...back to topic. yea...so lets see if we can do something bout this when thailand is over yes?
alrighty yo...its almost time to fly fly fly fly fly away.so goodbye and sawardee krap!
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| why does everything have a price tag attached to it? |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|12:20 pm] |
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HAPPY NEW YEAR YO!!!!yes yes welcome to the new year, alright alright...i know this is coming a little late but me's been buzzie yo.n goodness isnt this blog getting all dusty n cob-webby n rusty n old n yea..im thinking of bringin t back to lfe.MUAHAHAHAH!*lightning strikes in the background followed by long loud thundery sounds*(oops i farted)
well, this year has already started off so surprisingly unexpected n full of twists and surprises and of cos, definitely new beginnings. i mean look at this, who'd think i'd actually blog eh? hahaha.
i didnt do it out of anger or resentment or bitterness or spite or w e idea of the like ( just to set the record straight cos i know many will think otherwise) i actually, surprise surprise, did itcos we both felt it might be better fr us this way. of cos, no doubt i had this lttle thing to want to do it but mostly, i really didnt want to. i mean who would right?haha.alright alright..
for those who dont get a single thing i've been ranting on bout, fear not! you might get it eventually.come on! its not hard fighuring it out!
to be very honest, i thought this wouldnt be such a big deal but i guess its not what i thought it was cos it seems to keep running around n playing out in my mind; over and over again, all the possibilities; e prospects; e future; plans; current situations; what to do next; and yadah yadah. maybe its just that its pretty much the most exciting thing thats happening nw. but i've really no idea what to feel bout this whole thing. i mean its a good thing in a way cos it opens a chance for an opportunity for change and to help both of us n yet not such a good thing for e most obvious of reasons.so m pretty much to all this. either that or m just taking it all in and findinf a way to move on no matter whats come my way.
i really dont mind people finding out or talking bout it, doesnt matter. i just know theres gonna be alot of '' omg!are you alright?" or "omg! why?!" or "omg!so disappointing." or something along those disapproving lines n looks.and truth be told, im more worried and dsturbingly curious (yes yes i know im a masochist) how e leaders will take it. i meanof all the people, i seem to think they're e _______ kind (i shall no say what that is). okok...maybe its just me thinking too much and i knowalot who arent and can name them. but still......
so yea, its gonna be interesting watching people's reactions.
im acually reall really determned to make things work out from now on.no matter how tough things get. i know i've got my sissiees n bros backin me up. and i must MUS MUST ABSOLUTELY MUST extend my greatest of gratitude n thanks to SHAUN ISAAC TAN n CHONG YONG HUI for their concern n hel. n of cos to their families to. its much needed n deeply felt. honestly i feel so bad having to intrude n cling onto them in a way,
okok...i know this whole post must be darn confusing to some of you but i promise you this... if you wanna know wad its all bout just askk myself or anyone of my friends. i hereby grant anyone e authority to want ( or not want for that matter) to tell you bout it. n theres really no need to get to me through someone else; you can come directly to me right? i wont bite...maybe just lick n suck a littel but its harmless really.
n you...seriously, only a call to someone else?no call?msg?facebook?email?snail mail(though it wont work)?no?none at all?or am i to scary?too disappointing n dishonouring?goodness...n you say ur hurt when i dont tell you things?i dont intend to tell you till you ask cos im jus gonna suck it up, do e best i can now and get a move on.
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| in the brunt of failure the positive fight strong |
[Oct. 20th, 2008|08:42 pm] |
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a word
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower, yeah
The power to give
The power to see
Yea Yea
(Suddenly I see)
You reign all, all, all
oh grant me greater faith
in consistency
i choose to stand for and respect You above all
You reign all, all, all |
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